Tag Archives: 21st Century Kilts

Outlander Bedtime Stories – Droughtlanders in the Bedroom

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I have been reading the Outlander books for over 20 yrs. Repeatedly. I have hardcover copies, tattered & well loved paper back copies, a kobo ebook with all the books & the audio books in my vehicle so I can listen to them wherever I go.

Which has made for some fun conversations with Diana Gabaldon on Twitter. Oh that woman is fun! DG n MEdg n me 2

You might say I have a problem…it’s that whole #cracklander dealio we first talked about in October.  You know something…I still have my teeth, I don’t get the shakes there are no open sores.  I might occasionally sweat a little bit – maybe I twitch but you have no idea how cute I look when I do it – so IT’S ALL GOOD!

My husband…my dear, sweet wonderful husband.  I have been with him for over 26 yrs, married going on 22.

Insert AWWWWW here We were always friggen adorable. Don’t mind the porn stach…it was the 80’s…we both regret it

He was never a friend of #JAMMF.  Just never liked him. Always saying his name in a high pitched whine. Jaaaaaaaammmiiiiiieeeeee! Referred to as my book boyfriend. The one who could do no wrong.

It was subtle. Annoying. A little funny at times as he really knew only little tidbits he saw on the back of a random book or heard what a friend & I  talking about over coffee w our SIGHING, Oooh Jamie’s & generally fangirling before we even knew what the hell fangirling was.

fangirls

It did however, look like this, even 20 years ago- at my kitchen table.

It was just a slight hate on and general discontent UNTIL…they announced…THE SHOW…and Jamie had a real live FACE. It was Sam Heughan bringing James Fraser to life. DUN DUN DUN! and…really….what a face. AMMIRIGHT?

He HAD said, many years ago…he refused to read the book but if they ever made it a TV show. He’d watch it…Fat chance I thought. Like that would ever happen. It would have to be EPIC. My first kitchen table girlfriend Brig (RIP Brig) & always said Jamie would have to be an unknown, a Scot, & preferably a theater actor…

Good Shudder

They went ahead and rang our bell 3 times! Ugh! *SQUIRREL*

SO HA! I got him.

*In his defense* The man, who is my husband, doesn’t read ANYTHING.  Ok…thats a lie, if it has glossy pages and hangs over the back of the toilet, he will take a minute or two.

This means, we watched.I was surprised he gave it chance. He loved it. Not just because of THE BENEFITS. He loved Claire, her character (he’s a dude, he likes her bewbs too, not gonna lie). Dougal…badass supreme…and once the series went on hiatus he hit the WTF happens next wall???

Well…I knew…he knew HOW I knew…and he knew I would read it again & he hates reading so…HE ASKED ME TO READ IT TO HIM! *THUD*  No way?  A dream come friggen true!  He wants me…to read my favourite story…to him…at night…before we fall asleep? Every night? What the who?

GASPINCANUCKALHEADS

GASPINCANUCKALHEADS

There have been many times I thought I hit the husband jackpot. Seriously. The dude is a chef. He does laundry. Brings me coffee in the mornings. Washes dishes. Rubs my feet & I don’t even spend a lot of time on the suckers… This was the million dollar spin my people…the million dollar mutherstinkin spin! All because he can’t stand not KNOWING! He knew the info was out there in the form of a book, a really big book. If it looked like this…playboysthat would be a maybe for on his own but it doesn’t so it became our little bedtime ritual. I didn’t realize how entertaining he was going to be.  When we got to Dragonfly in Amber (which we are 34% through now)  I started hashtagging it on twitter. #Outlander #bedtimestories for anyone that might be interested.

I am going to flash back a bit here to show you a little of what the late night reads of Outlander sounded like…

“Wait…Dougal has hair?” “What colour is rustit?”  Apparently…understanding the TV & my reading is just as easy…russet…not rustit…I still had to explain what colour russet was too. It’s that same colour as rustit if you are curious. You will get about 50 different shades if you hit the google when you look for russet…look up rustit, you are on your own. Russet

“Jelly is just as freaky in the book” Jelly is what he calls Geillis – if you didn’t catch that on your own.

“Ok. I knew why you were hot for Jamie when I watched him in the show but this lady writes him like a GOD! Who can compete with that?” Oh babe…you can. When I close my eyes. Heehee. My man does dishes & laundry. Huge score.

I find it highly annoying that my man figures things out in the read. Like people don’t really die. I was always shocked when someone popped up later in the book. Him, when you hear of their death, he says something like “Yep RIGHT! Bet they come back! That lady (DG) seems like she likes to mess with peoples heads!”

When we got to Wentworth things got uncomfortable.  Hubs knew the outcome of what BJR did to Jamie. He used to tease my friends and I all the time. His lame attempts to make Jamie seem less masculine. “He gets it in the bum you know? Right!?”

In the where!?

In the where!?

Yeah… I never said he was the most mature ok?

That was his way of emasculating this book hero that he was jealous of. It became his “go to line”.

But…no…not butt. But, work with me people.

It was bedtime story time.  Claire found Jamie. I was shocked at his reaction. He cried. My husband.

Shhhh 'sok

Shhhh ‘sok

He cried when Claire left him behind. I always cried & he went ahead & cried along with me “There’s something in my eye. It’s Claire. God, Diana is good. This part is gonna be tough to watch for real.” For REAL! He said for real. These characters have become real for him. The lump in my throat became a physical thing I had to swallow.

*GULP*

I was a little surprised when he didn’t blink that Claire killed a wolf. WITH her bare hands. “Yeah…Claire killed a wolf. Now if she’d been drinking like she always does..she would have become kibble, tasty kibble, whisky kibble.” Point made.

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He knew what was coming next & all joking was aside, well maybe not all…guys gotta remain macho. “I don’t think I shoulda ate those chicken wings, my belly is a bit shaky.” “Marley – dude- you are givin me an innie.”  & the forever famous “How am I ever supposed to get a boner again after hearing you read this stuff?”

tear

No. More. Boners.Ever.

We got through Wentworth with more than a few “Holy shits” “Htf can someone even THINK of that kinda stuff to write it down?” & “I don’t even know if I can kiss your damn mouth after you said those gnarly things. “Jackie must not have been breast fed. Or loved. Ever.By anyone…was he left in a haystack by a pack of monkies?” He likes to call BJR Jackie. It is his way to emasculate HIM now.

It made me giggle when he asks to see the book jacket. “Let me see your book. I need to see who wrote this stuff again! Her? She doesn’t look like a twisted sicko…she looks sweet.Whats up with that?”

diana_gabaldon_2009

She does look sweet does’t she? *wink*

Rescuing Jamie was a high point for him. He of course KNEW that would happen (as he reminded me OVER & OVER & OVER again) as I had 7 other books on my shelves. Who the hell did I think was the hero in those? DERP!

What kinda idiot did I think he was anyway?

idjut

Let’s not answer that right now.

However, the use of cows was a pretty “crazy ass” thing to do…and even though Dougal is one of his favourite characters in both Book & in the TV show, hubcycle mentioned numerous times he was extremely disappointed in the douche move of not helping Claire out in the rescue attempt.  Saying he missed out on some huge possible “cop a feel” points if Jamie was stuck there a while.

disapo

Dougal, you have let him down…so sad

He thinks if HE was Dougal, he would have (copped a feel is MY guess). So he made sure I knew that he hopes Ron fixes that. For the record, I think he believes he is most like Dougal. More because he thinks I am most like Geillis (It must be the bat shit crazy and that they like to bang boots).

He was a fan of the hand setting. All of the “cool & groady” comments clinched it &  he really enjoyed McRannoch. He however was not a fan of the “Crisco bum” moment as he called it. For him, some things are better left unimagined. He really would rather not think about that any more than he had to.

No can commute.Delete now.

No can compute.Delete now.

Hubilicious wondered out loud if they will change the soldier that Claire kills from a 16 yr old boy to a young man…you know so all the ladies won’t get their panties turned inside out. Don’t get your panties turned inside out because I recounted his thoughts verbatim.  We both know THAT is going to be hard to watch too if they stay with that little fact. One of those things that make you go…hmmmm. Reading it is one thing…seeing it. Another.

The Abbey was hard enough for me to read on my own all 20 times I had done it.

drowning

The first time I have ever read it out loud to someone I love. THAT was tough. It was quiet. Intense. Raw. Intimate. He cried. Again. These characters have struck a chord in him.  He feels for them & with him. “You’re tearin my guts out. He said that right?”

Yeah. He did.

Until next time.

SL  ABOotlander gal

Idle minds start an Outlander Styled Commune on Deserted Scottish Isle. Way To Go Starz.

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Now you’ve done it!  165 women…and counting- because wait until the other Outlander ladies in Alberta here about THIS plan. They are gonna be ALL up in our grill.  It is going to be like an episode of the Littlest Hobo being followed down that secluded highway in the middle of Ontario- only they will be on the shoulder of the QE 2 in Alberta…so much more dangerous. We are badasses like that, doncha know.

hobostreet

Maybe tomorrow, I’ll want to settle down…in Scotland…LET’S GO MY BITCHES!

It has come to our attention there is an Island for sale in the extreme north of Scotland. We have mentioned we are Canadian right. Extreme north is like saying our BACKYARD. No biggy eh? They also said it was a LONELY island. All that envokes from these Canadian lasses is a in unison “Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww – it’s loooooonely.  It needs a big ole Canadian bear hug. Poor little scottish isle!”

kirkpoutSo…what do the Heughliots decide? We are a smarticle bunch I tell you. It’s like we can solve all the worlds problem from a FB group.

So. It’s 250,000 pounds stirling you say eh buddy? Ok…so we do the conversion. Well, google does the conversion. Let’s not be silly. That makes it $444,896.03 Canadian dollars. (That does change by the hour so don’t send me an email telling me I’m wrong) There are 165 Heughliots, this means MATH.  I am not good at it but there is this real cool thing called a CAL-CU-LATOR that does the math for me. $2696.34 a piece.  We are not dumb girls (well except the Math thing – and that’s just me). We figure if we throw in $4000 a piece, we get the isle, lawyer fees & our airfare. Sorry- not sorry- family – I AM disappearing.  Our exotic Consuelo, thinks if you jack your investment to $6000 you also get to be one of the big guns that get first stake on the land holdings. It’s a good thing Raylean knows her math, she will be the isles accountant and sheriff, that way we can push her in a cell pretty easy if we have to.

The isle doesn’t seem too mountainous, so we need to build a munro. We figure we will build it of live lassies. And invite Sam Heughan and his friends to come bagg us. I think it would make for a fun interactive afternoon and could be quite challenging for all of us!

heughliot baggin

BEST MUNRO EVER!

So yeah…we are getting shit figured out here right good. Kathy P. She is a mental health teacher and obviously girlfriend has her work cut out for her with this lot. She might just have the hardest job on the island so she is very important to us. Not to mention she will be channeling her inner Ian because she is a wicked hand with a bow and can fish like Rollo. Really, this girl will be guarded. Tammy & Christine will be her Angus and Rupert. They may be drunk on the whisky cache half the time but that’s ok. Girls gotta do what girls gotta do. Plus think, if Cait gets a day off from filming. She has some like minded women to escape to. Eat, drink & drink. Drink some more. I am pretty sure Karen will learn how to make the stuff…

whisky

I am pretty sure our whisky cache will last 3 hours, 22 minutes and 33 seconds.

We are pretty modern folk, and this island, even though, we wouldn’t be going “back” in time, doesn’t have running water and power would need to be wind generated. Obviously, we have PLENTY of hot air.  It will be a bit of life lesson for most of us.  I am thinking many of our members will be bar wenches and on our board of directors.  It has been spoken by Raylean & Lee that body searches and auditions from the mainland WILL be needed. In fact, they are demanding them. Naturally- some of these Moms will want to bring their children. I demand we put the wee buggers into servitude.

What the Hell dude!?

UGH! Children

But for the jobs those little weak people can’t do and the houses they can’t build, we need to hire some hot men in kilts. JOB FAIR TIME! We expect a HUGE influx of hot men in kilts in canoes (they have canoes in Scotland don’t they?) Anyway, they will paddle their way into our hearts. Across the loch to Linga they will come. Applying for all the jobs we don’t want to do, but want to WATCH them do. Imagine them walking up the sandy shores into the cells we have built for them. Oh …um…wait. Delete that last statement from your frontal lobe.

Heeeeeere’s HOWIE! This man and his 21 St Century Kilts! Yeah…I have a business boner for this guy! He makes kilts…hot kilts!Wait, that’s redundant!

That sounded a bit crazy. We wont lock them up all the time, we do expect them to earn their keep.

K4

Yup, that’ll do it

The more we discuss this. The more it seems to be a reality in our fantasies.

My friends. The Canadian government got rid of the penny last year. This means the Heughliots have a lot of damn pennies laying around. They are in our junk drawers in the kitchen. They are rolled in our basement laundry room. They are in our spare room closets. They are also in our kids underwear drawers and on top of our fridges in a bowl or old coffee mug. We have them in our offices, in our pen holders…in short, no wait, that was long – we have damn pennies EVERYWHERE!  So we can afford the adorable lil island that is hugged by the Shetland Islands…like EASY!

SCOTTISH ISLE LINGA

Scottich Isle of Linga…FOR REALS!

As you might have noticed, are an eclectic group.  We can make this a functional, effective & productive place.  We have lots of talent too. Cathy, has the nursing covered. So she is our Claire…she can take care of anyone that needs it. Vitalia is our herbalist. She makes all sort of neat stuff, medicines & organic off the land foods, shampoos, candles, this neat stuff called Poo-be-Gone that makes your shit not stink (not that mine does anyway but these other folks…-our privies are going to smell like roses).She’s like a witch! If she goes of the rails…we will have our first trial and burn her or something fun like that.15 burn witch not ok

Sharon, she knits all sorts of Mrs. Fitz type stuff. So she will keep super busy keeping us all warm! Girlfriend has mad skills! Sandra can bake bread so she and Consuelo will cook up a storm. Us bitches need food. They’s cray cray but we will put up with them if they feed us. It’s simple.  There are plenty of Mom’s on our group – so they can chip in there. Kerri is our animal whisperer. There is lots of wildlife on that island…some we will eat. Some we will train – rephrase- some Kerri will train.

Personally,  I love to tell people what to do & how to do it so I will keep these people from killing each other.

Plus, I can shoot a gun.  I won’t clean what I shoot…there is bound to be someone there that will. We brought the men in for more than one reason…speaking of which-

Red will run our Bawdy house…you know, some of those boys will probably just be pretty. Everyone will have a place.

sit kilt

We have someone that will be keeping chronicle of our time there. Nikki…she is a great artist so she will be painting as we go. Like Brianna would have if she had come along with us…and if she gets crabbit and bitchy…we will take turns calling her Jocasta. Hmmmm, wait, never mind, I don’t want me to go down in history looking like this.

Study-Girl-Mr-Bean-dailyfunnyphotos.com_

Kim keeps us all in check and will be our pseudo lawyer- Nedesque. Wendy & Wendy are jacks of all trades plus Cheryl & her mom Lesley babysit us all. Everyone needs the Bugs – well, without the psycho part. This is the commune that has it all. You know you wanna hang with us. We will have a Bed & Breakfast on the Isle and will start taking reservations in 2016.

May I mention, the last known inhabitant of this island…1931 was CAPTAIN JAMES FRASER!!!

WHAT THE WHA?!?!

holy

That is some crazy jacked up shit! I really wonder if the seller threw that in there to get some crazy Outlander fan to buy the island. Cuz…ummm…if they did. IT WORKED. 165 of us are throwing our pennies in the pot!  We might want to bring some of that with us. You know…to keep things interesting!

Go ahead, leave a comment, tell us how crazy we are- not that we aren’t aware.

SL Heughliot @ Large-

Here is a wee PostScript – there is an island for sale. No…the heughliots are not buying it. Satire my friends. Like 99.99% of all of our blog spurts. We aren’t very good at serious.