That is the thing about feelings though? Isn’t it? We don’t always expect them, they can tap us on the shoulder and smack us in the face, when they are so visceral, they really pack a wallop. They are supposed to. That is what I am going to focus on this time…emotions. Not because this episode made *me* feel so many but due to how our Outlander family was expressing them…or not.
The scene we open with is cataclysmic. I assure you; Malva is going to get her own blog, she deserves it. Claires face was a perfect representation of the horror and disgust most of us would be feeling…(some of us…more than others) against the depravity of Alan Christie’s characters admissions.
Those who have never experienced trauma like this, first, I am so glad you haven’t. Coming back from it is a long and gruelling process. All of that trauma, until it is processed in a healthy way, stays stored as a warning in our subconscious, long after the danger has passed and it grows with us. Causing a variety of mental challenges and physical illness.
Let me swing back to how we experience the emotion of episode two. It is intense, resistant, and consuming but the most important thing that Outlander showed us was – the ones who were able to take a deep breath and move to the next place – FELT the emotion. It is important that we saw this and even more important than we implement it in our own lives.
The *community* that we choose in the healing of conflict/trauma of any kind is a vital piece of the puzzle. There is no repair or resolution in doing the emotional work on our own, if we try, it leaves us lacking and often, lost. Like Fergus, last season…the longer he isolated himself with his sorrow and shame, the worse his mental state became…the moment he allowed someone to console him…repair began.
The moments we needed the most consolation watching Outlander during THPOE were plentiful. It started straight off the top. Hearing and seeing the terror that was Malva’s life was brutal yet, as someone who experienced childhood sexual assault, this show once again highlighted the inner world of the victim not the act itself. This is meaningful, for those who suffered at the hands of another. It says “We see you.” That is likely why those who haven’t faced the healing or those who have no idea what it is like to go through something like that, are always so angered by the presence of sexual assault in this show. It is a way to ignore that it happens far more frequently than we want to face. It is in these ways, with shows like this that help give victims a voice beyond their own. “We aren’t going to gloss over your experience for the comfort of those who don’t want to see the reality of your world.”
I shed those tears in empathy and particularly gratitude.
We moved straight into hope filled tears, didn’t we? Brianna giving birth to wee Mandy was incredibly portrayed. I am so glad to see the truth of childbirth depicted. It’s not about the comfort of anyone but the Mamma, midwives know this but modern (I use the term loosely) medical practices have shifted to focus on efficiency and the comfort of those in attendance. Backward af. The tears we shared during that moment would depend on our own life experiences. A portion will have cried because they have never had the experience portrayed on screen, others cried because they have and they can no longer hold that child and those who are brought back to a moment or something they desire or miss. There will be a number who have no idea why it impacted them, those secrets are locked deep in their subconscious. One day, perhaps be unlocked with conscious intention.
When we see Jamie whispering to wee Mandy in the barn…this is another emotional moment. We feel for Jamie, that he missed doing this with his own daughter, those emotions stir something that is longing for that connection, in us. Feeling those emotions is necessary. The scene changes to Claire, also connecting with Mandy and then, we see it. Something is wrong with the baby causing fear and worry to bubble up. This is something most of us can identify with. Worry about a loved one? Feeling helpless because we are not all doing and or all knowing. The expectation we place on ourselves and others becomes unreachable due to our fear.
We have those moments in time, that come to life…both the things we long for and those we fear. The meeting between Brianna and William was surely one of those. Each character bringing with them something personal and private. William, as much as he adores the only father he has ever known is itching to grow into his own person. Brianna, likely believing she would never meet her brother face to face, searched his face. It harkened back to the “can’t you tell?” line she used when meeting Jamie. Everyone believing it’s best to supress the knowledge that would surely bring overwhelming emotions from William finding out his bloodline. Lord John, the consummate pragmatist, knows the goal is to keep up the pretence of the 9th Earl of Ellesmere. We often believe we are doing something for the good of another, yet, it’s the very thing that harms them the most. Another note on how we can never know someone’s inner world unless they share it with us.
The scene between long time best friends, Jamie and LJG was intense and intimate. Can I say how brilliantly these two men held the space for one another? Showing us that love and sadness come in all shapes, sizes and gender. There was one thing I heard across the fandom and it was “I wish they had hugged!” Yes…that is the repair we would love to get in on, at this time here are two men stretched FAR beyond what their era usually allows. Sharing their regard for one another, helping and ultimately protecting one another. That, to these men…was a hug. It didn’t supply the feel-good hormones a real hug does, but it certainly allowed them to feel what it is to be cared for. It is an important thing, love, no matter who you share it with.
The fireflies and Disneyland introduced us to the kind of emotion we reserve for those closest to us but perhaps should look further afield for connections like this. Jamie didn’t get to form any memories of his daughter as a little girl. All he has are moments like this, sharing stories of the way life was for her. Bree didn’t just tell Jamie about the things they had in Disneyland, she explained how it made her feel. The emotion and the magic. It is why Jamie asked if his time was disappointing. It makes a great deal of sense to presume this after hearing the delight and wonder in Bree’s recapturing of the childhood she recalled. He had only her account to go on, so hearing her tell him “You are magical to me.” This let him know, those feelings of warmth, comfort and happiness, she had for him, now, and would always. Just as she has those perfect childhood moments, her life since meeting him has been enriched. The knowing of such things, brings more love and happiness.
It makes me believe even more in the human capacity to accept such gifts. Opening ourselves not only to share the things we feel but to hear, accept and feel what others are saying to us.
We have dealt with many goodbyes on Outlander. I will say, this was the mother of all goodbyes. When I say mother, I mean it. If it were not for a mother’s love, this vehemence of love, protection and determination, the emotion we witnessed simply wouldn’t exist. Claire, knows who she is, and she is not a doctor or mother or wife as much as she is a human doing the very best she can. She understands her place in the world and because of that confidence and ability, she is able to make those difficult choices. Knowing telling Bree about Mandy’s heart condition and that someone in the future could fix it, but not her, not now…was selfless. Not something everyone would do. Some mothers would rather hold onto their control and try to manipulate the situation for their benefit, to avoid more hurt in their soul. It is when we see Brianna, following in her mother’s shoes that brings us to our knees. There are many parents who talk about how hard parenting children is, and yes, it can be trying, yet there are few who speak about parenting adults. They often still expect you to fix the things that you know are not in your control while wanting with everything you are to be sure they are happy. Though Brianna is now a mother, she is also Claire’s daughter, that attachment never goes away for a mother. It may change to a more secure and understood attachment, if we are lucky. It is having the ability to see that our adult children are their own person, with their own experiences and life while still being their safe space to come back to for love and support.
The thing about our mothers though, whether we like it or not they created us. Literally from nothing, to a living human person. It isn’t only what they ate and drank that made us who we are. It was their hopes, dreams, worries and stress. All of those pieces of them are interwoven into our neurology and genetics. Even considering Brianna is 200 years away, she carries her mother within her cells.
The moment where Claire is searching for comfort was powerful. What is so important about this scene is she was searching for connection. With Jamie and Claire, that connection often is shown in the form of sexual intimacy. What we saw this time, was so much more real and raw. There was a life/love lesson in this moment. The connection Claire needed was repair. As much as Bree is a part of her mother, having Bree changed Claire. It changes all of us, on a cellular level. As we are creating this whole new human, our blood, our bones and ligaments and most importantly, our brain changes. When it comes to saying goodbye, we feel this physically and emotionally. The best way to heal from hurt like this is with love. For ourselves, for those around us. Crying is our body’s autonomic reaction to emotional pain, doing that alone, leaves us feeling isolated and bereft. What Jamie did was exactly what all of us need, someone to open their arms, tell us to feel all those feelings. We shouldn’t stuff them down or ignore them because they take root in our bodies, feeling them is the only way we feel whole. Our emotions that go unprocessed or processed in an unhealthy way…always come back to haunt us.
I used to watch Faith if I needed a cry – well – Episode 2 of Season 7 has taken over that spot. The catharsis of a well-placed sobfest is highly underrated.
I am going to end this now, and deal with the tragic ending of “The Happiest Place on Earth” next time. Maybe.
SoSo much love to you all, Feel your feels,
Sherry
ABOotlanders w/Sherry 
