You learn something new with every episode – that is why I LOVE THIS SHOW! Not only is it entertaining…it’s educational. Edutainment folks. We have a lot of stuff to go over- we better get started.

I feel an Ed Grimley moment comin on. 

Yes…I must say. The way the first part of the season played out, slow n steady, character building, stories being created & relationships developed has allowed the second part of the season to move at break neck speed! SO MUCH HAPPENS in each & every episode. They seem to manage to put so much into one hour – yet it’s funny there will still be people who say “I wish they would have left in xx & xxx”  “They could have taken out this line & added the line I liked.” Oh? Really…Ron D. Moore didn’t call every single person who read the book….ummmm 25 million peeps to see their favourite lines uttered by their book boyfriend? Oh…wait…EVERY LINE EVER UTTERED BY SAID DUDE!

Yes, I wish everyone could move on. Then I remembered. These wishes won’t come true. For either of us. Know why? No candles to blow out & I didn’t see a shooting star! Effin technicalities.

I mean for reals my peeps. Every thing Jamie ever said in the books we would love to hear Sam Heughan wrap his tongue around but.. stop being so selfish. SHEESH!  The show is ONE hour long. Well…in Canada it is an hour and a half but we need to have pee breaks, pour a drink breaks, blow your nose & wipe your tear breaks. (I am trying to be nice & say we have commercials).

There is A SHIT LOAD of dialogue in Diana’s books and if you are so intent on hearing it. Get comfy somewhere…Davina Porter will read it to YOU! Or…read it as many times as your heart desires. Your imagination is afterall- like…the best. We have proven that…repeatedly…after each and every episode. Right? Huh? Huh? *Big Smiles*

Let’s let the TV show live it’s life, it’s big beautiful awesome life.

It would be a rainbow, unicorn & lollipop world if the nay saying pick the scab “I’m entitled to throw my opinion all over the interwebs” and tag the writers/producers in it if I want – would consider this little piece of decency.  Imagine, someone walking into your place of work & criticizing what you do – especially when they have zero idea of what actually goes into it. I wonder how they would feel?  And no, simply because people choose to work in the public eye does not give others the right to belittle them. That’s a cop out to being an asshole & sorry…it’s still wrong. It’s just mean.  If you wouldn’t do it to your neighbour – you shouldn’t do it to someone you think of as famous because well – just because they are – doesn’t make them less HUMAN.

Ummmm yeah, if we are the type that would walk into their place of work & beak off or go off on our neighbours — might I suggest— we take a second look at our manners? Perhaps, just maybe it’s time for the relization that we might be a dick? Maybe…kinda.

Digression isn’t my middle name but I sure as hell do it a lot.  I don’t even have a middle name maybe I should adopt it.

The opening scene with the murm..mu…flock of birds was gorgeous wasn’t it? I love how they implemented that in the story.

We did NOT get the same wake up call in this episode that we did the last one, dirty & abrupt yes…just not the same dirty & abrupt.

Can you believe we made it all the way to 11 episodes without seeing RATS? I don’t mean Black Rat Randall n the Duke of Ratingham…I mean actual rodents. They are the one creature in the Universe, that make me shudder, shake & gag on site. It’s a phobia or something. No, not or something. It’s a phobia. Which is CRAZY considering one of my favourite things in  the world is Mickey Mouse- a 5 ft rodent. I am a special kinda special!

Those wardens sure are a sweet couple of lunk heads eh? Didn’t you just wanna find a hole to throw THEM into? They for some reason found it necessary to dig up a latter to get the girls OUT of the hole…but…they just chucked their asses in willy nilly. Maybe hoping they would land on their bumrolls for cushion.  From the sounds & looks of things, that did NOT happen.  Geilwitch seemed to have fell straight onto her bitch button because she went into straight into “Blame Claire” mode. I bet she fell on her tailbone…that’s my bitch button too…That effin hurts like a Black Jack.

The girl’s get into a fight. “You told my secrets!” “What secrets!?’ The whole effin town knew! You were dancing neked in public you looniebird!” “You think I’m a WITCH?” “Nope but you sure as heck know your way around the killin fields don’t ya!?” “Oh…yeah…that…got me there.Wanna feel my crazy baby kick?”

Claire has to give Geilwitch a bit of a shake down. She still thinks Dougal is her knight and shining tartan. Yeah…not so much eh? He kinda bailed on her bumroll & all of a sudden it dawns on her. She is up shit creek without a paddle. This is where I throw in this

Where Caitriona’s face is expressive. Glass. Like Diana wrote it. Lotte has brought something to the role of Geillis Duncan.  Diana wrote about her green piercing eyes…uh-huh. But…Lotte…expresses with her eyes.  They are haunting. She is bewitching. I heart her. I have been with my husband 29 yrs…married 23 – I am straight. This show is giving me serious girl crush moments. Especially when she plays on twitter with me. It’s only encouragement ya know.

Once Geillis gets it. Dougal’s gone, Jamie too…they are HOOPED! She tries to make up  by offering Claire the big hunk of rat poop bread. As appealing as that is, Claire just ain’t hungry. Geillis then offers Claire the comfy side of the stone to sleep, yeah…Claire’s still chafed. That ain’t happening either. For now. It’s still

The warden come and haul their asses out of the thieves hole in the morning, this time with ladders. Wouldn’t those have been a swell idea when they tossed them down there like dirty laundry down a chute?

Remember “buddy ropes” when you were little? Me too. The things they attached Claire & Geillybean to…not the same thing.

Building a pyre in town square before the trial even starts. I can see how people intend for this to go. Sort of guilty until proven guilty. Good job folks! Loved Geillybeans maypole comment. Everyone is a smartass when they are getting ready to be put on a spit. Why not? Not like they have anything to loose right?

There we have it. A trial. We had Mutt & Jeff as teamsters, they reminded me & hundreds of others I am sure of Statler & Waldorf from the Muppets.

Ned Gowan came bursting in, brandishing common sense, intelligence &  honest to goodness law (he also had his pistol, but saves that for last, like a good lawyer should) – but this here was a church & the law had no place there. We also had a mob. Mob mentality is at its best here.  Mental they were! The energy in that courtroom was palatable – can’t say that it tasted like something I would order again but they did one helluva job!

It was like Jerry Springer meets Judge Judy meets Degrassi  Jr. High. The DRAMA! Oh Em Gee! The backstabbing housemaid. For real guuuuurl! Conive much? Twist a tale much? Pretzel Ginnie…that’s what I am gonna call ya. I wouldn’t like dumpin out ole Arthur’s crap pot either but Geillybean took care of that for you didn’t she?  Shouldn’t you be grateful? I suppose you got your minute of fame though eh?!  I guess this was her moment – Cranesmuir’s Got Talent!

Ned strikes a lawyer pose and BOOYAH! Down goes Ginnie the housemaid. Turns out she was spreading gossip all the way to the castle.

She gets THREE X’s

They are way cuter than the judges on any of those shows, so I will use them!

The next witness in the trial is the poor superstitious woman and her  man who left their sick baby in a tree to die. You know the one, the one Claire tried to save. Her eyes – her fingers…she is stunning. To me…she is what Golum would look like if he was a beautiful woman. I know that sounds like a backhanded insult…but it isn’t. 

She takes a swing at Claire & Claire gets a wee bit pissy about this! Ned has to tell her to shut her bannock hole! He can take care of this. He does another flip…her baby didn’t die…it’s running free with the faeries remember? It was the changling babe that died in this woman’s arms. You can’t really be mad at her for that? You have to take the blame for not stopping her – if you had…the fearies could have made the switch. Poor ignorant peasant. #sigh You gotta feel for folks like this. Ignorance is a tough nut to crack.

The next up to talk to the court of pointing fingers & screamin mimis is Alistair. His friends call him “AllheSTAREs”. It’s his fun shroom issue.  He sits on the “faery” hill picking the longed stemmed poop tasting ‘fungus that make mistress Duncan fly like the ravens”. He sure is a bullshitter. Wish Ned could say something about him just getting out of rehab or something. 

Don’t you just wish Ned could throw something like “This douche was just on Celebrity Rehab & gave Mickey Rourke a run for his money!” but no…that’s not an option. Instead, it’s late, everyone needs a break & it’s time for the ladies to get tossed back in the hole. Not before Ned rescues Claire again. He knows our girl & he brings her what she loves best, well second best…a flask of whisky! Good man.  Not before she asks hopefully if Colum sent him…yeah…no! TwistyLegs McTwisterson, in fact, looks like had a bit to do with the whole strammach. Claire looks sick but she has some booze. That’s good news.

There is no better time for girl bonding & make up chatter than when you are stuck in a hole. Granted, its a big hole – big enough for 2 women & a crew *snort*  Plus after being stuck shoulder to shoulder all day, listening to people throw insults at you both & lies. You tend to stand back to back to protect your fronts. The walls come down – then it is friends ON again.

I even heard rattles about them “allowing” Geillybean to drink in the episode – though she was pregnant. Uh-huh. Ok. Super  awesome. A historical 18th century woman now has to be the moral and ethical compass for us in this century. These kinda picky pants remarks are the type of things that will suck the life out of  their enjoying the show. It’s not about the inclusion of these accuracies in the show that will. Personally, they make me giggle uncontrollably because they are down right silly. Like the string.

The girls have a sleepover night. You know, talkin about fraud, stealing, boys, politics n stuff. Through it all- Claire throws in a wee quote from Nathan Hale “I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country” – he was in the Continental Army and spoke those words in 1776-before he was hanged. There we go with Lotte & her eye’s again! I saw it…I know you saw it!

This is where a certain garment starts to unravel for us.

The next morning- the empty flask by her head- Claire wakes and shakes the gate over her head like this is the first time she tries to get out. Come on Claire. Don’t tell me this is the first time. Then again, I would be shaking that damn thing at every opportunity too.

We have a soft moment returning to the opening scene when Claire spots a starling. Remember the start of the show? Just a single one of those. She told the story of this black bird who flew in flocks for protection against falcons. Murmuration – They shared a quiet moment before being hauled from their dank dark pit of patheticness and back into the court of contention. The moment before crawling out this time…gave me a lump in my throat – Claire reaching out for Geillybeans bump & her grabbing her hands to kiss them. The lump was vomit…can you imagine how NARSTY her hands were? Nope…wouldn’t be able to handle the 18th century.

Back in the “court”…yup using this term loosely! Speaking of loosely – the first witness of the day….Laoghaire “LooseLips” McKenzie! This girl.  What a girl. The hate & venom being aimed towards this child is extraordinary. To me that means Nell Hudson is the cats ass. That’s a good thing for those people who don’t know.

She sure has some emotional challenges eh? Believes every damn thing that comes out of her mouth. I am convinced this 16 yr old young woman- was emotionally engaged to Jamie Fraser.  She is a product of her environment. She sees Claire as an evil woman that has stolen her future. Is it right? Nope! Is what she does with the information right? Nope! But she is an immature child and acting like one. They have written her brilliantly & Nell Hudson couldn’t do a better job at portraying her.

She has no compass of life experience to draw from & she also lives in a world of superstition. She is 16.  Most 16 yr olds live in a world of ALL ABOUT ME. I get Laoghaire.  I wanted MY Claire to throat punch her instead of slap her but I get her. I might be 43, but I remember being 16. Which is SUPER weird, because I can’t remember what I did yesterday. Stupid complicated brain.

Ned calls out LooseyGooseyLaoghaire for being a jealous broken hearted lass. She admits it. Love of her life *tears* Awwwwwwwwwwww and down goes the house.

Claire loses her shit & calls her out on everything. Turns out Jamie told her about the wee incident down by the river too. See…all of the folks yakking about Jamie cheating for touching the upper curve of LooseyGooseyLaoghaire’s boob as she put her hand right on it – he told Claire all about it. Does that change anyone’s mind? Yeah, didn’t think so. When you are right…you’re right.

Father Bain…ewwww…ewwww…and EWWWW some more! This guy just makes you feel like you have the willies like ALL the time. Creepy crawlies rash inducing badness. This dude embodies it!. While he walked into make his speech, the way he was talking about Claire, it was like…Ummmm…anyone else get the feeling that he wants to bone her?

It made me uncomfortable too. Totally have no urge to see what’s under THAT robe. He’s making up for something. Men like that – need tweezers to masterbate. You just know it. ( The character. The actor probably has a perfectly normal penis. I’m just being reactive to his stellar acting.) Father Bain needs to burn!

Then the Freakshow Bainbasket went on to do what he does best. Manipulate his sheeple. Playing possum for them. After giving them the spiel of how hot she makes him he then falls to his knees shouting “I’m not worthy!” knowing full well his sheeple won’t take this well – that they will jump to protect he. He has trained them well.

The smirk. Really? You suck!

They were just about to call down the fires of hell when BOOM Ned was like LUNCH! We NEED LUNCH! I need a SANDWICH & a DIET COKE! 

He get’s the defendants alone with him for a few moments & tells him the whole thing has gone to pot & not the good kind he uses for his asthma.

It time to do something drastic. Drastic means it is time to throw someone under the carriage. They didn’t have busses then so – yeah.  If Claire says she is an ignorant Sassenach & Geillybean pulled into her masterful witchyweb then she can live while Geillybean…well….doesn’t.

He leaves so the girls can hash this shit out. Girl style.

G loses her last nerve for a minute and wants to be sure she is going to die for good damn reason! Where you from!? Stop lying! Why you here?! Tell me! Shit! You came by ACCIDENT? WHO DOES THAT? UGH!

Then…Best LINE ever! “Look’s like I’m going to a fucking bar-b-que!” BAHAHAHA! Nice!  There we see a bit more unraveling happening on Claire’s face but the peeps screaming they want to burn her on the other side of the door kind of shakes her out of it.

I am going to get an apron made for my hubby. He is the chef…and I don’t go near our Bar-B-Que – I’ll blow my damn self up. I know it.

Ned thinks Claire is going to grovel for her life when they come back. Geillybean thinks so too…she is avoiding eye contact, most people think it is because she is pissed off. I think it is because she is trying to disconnect herself from Claire to make the story easy for people to believe. She is shocked when Claire goes into BFF mode for her & refused to leave her to burn alone. Connection is one thing but this. CRAZY!

They condemn them both to BURN. They crazy gets turned up to 10! Ned does what Ned seems to do when shit goes down…he grabs his pistol. He waves it around like his wrist is made of wet noodles.

This buys the girls some time – enough time for Geillybean to share that she thinks its possible & 1968 with Claire. Unravel..Unravel.

Ned’s pistol goes off…the metal one, in his hand, that the mob is trying to wrestle away from him. ( I feel a need to explain cuz people think I am a perv for some reason.  Possibly because I am.)

The shot brings everyone back to the bedlam of the room. Ned getting carried to the ground. Claire screams at everyone if they burn them, that makes them murders which means THEY will ALL burn in hell. OOPS! Guess what THAT sounds like to them? A HEX! This means…she needs to be punished there and then. Real nice bunch of thugs they are, they order her stripped n skelped.

All through this episode- this is what was going through Claire’s poor head.

Laoghaire has to get a last crooked twist in. Seriously girlfriend, you could hide behind a spiral staircase. Dance on her ashes could you? Classy, child…classy.

Watching Claire’s dress get ripped open in preparation for getting whipped was…NOT COOL. I got such a pit in my gut watching that scene. Sometimes you wish Caitriona wasn’t such a good actress & would just hang there and yell “Hey, owwww that hurts…stop…ouch…stop now.”  Because watching her…like we were… taking that whipping was TOO realistic.  The energy from the crowd, the anger on their faces, the panic, hurt & pain in her face. The agony on Geillis’ face too. It was all TOO MUCH.

Then he heard me! I was yelling at my TV. “JAMIE! Where the HELL are YOU!  Hurry UP FFS!” Then POOF! There he WAS! Took him long enough…he could have shown up 5 minutes earlier…but we will take him when we get him!

This is a man right here…going all scottish ninja on their asses – straight through the isle knocking sheeples out of his way like bowling pins! Drawing both dirk & sword. Then Statler stands & tells Jamie he has no right to touch Claire & to stand down or something I don’t know what he said really even when I play it over & over, all I can see & hear is Jamie… ole Statler sounds like the teacher from Charlie Brown to me “WAH WAH WAH WAH”.  Jamie tells him to get bent. He promised on an alter before God he would protect this woman and there aint NOTHING they can do or say that will stop him from doing that. He will drop the first stupid numpty who takes a step near him…it looks like they believe him too.

This is when Geillybean takes the opportunity to do something selfless for Claire.  Just as Claire did for her. I swear – girls really should stand up for one another more but getting themselves whipped n burned might be taking this whole sisterhood thing a tad far.

G-girl puts on her shoulder pads of awesomeness. Throws ’em back and screams at the crowd that Claire ain’t no witch but SHE sure as hell is…AND she has proof! BOOYA! Lookit you ignoramuses- this is the mark of the devil himself!  The look of anguish on Claire’s face  – Jamie looking between G- & Claire & the town people…it was as if willing them out of the door. There goes the whole damn sweater…we are left with a length of yarn. Done.

This scene gives me goose nipples! Yes. Goose nipples! We don’t get goose bumps in Canada…we get Canadian goose nipples. AKA Nippilitis. Terrible thing.

The dialogue delivered by Geillis was remarkable, the tearing of her dress to show her devils babe, the response from crowd was viscerale & then the scream. Seriously the scream as she was doing the crowd surfing…SERIOUSLY!?  That was as kick ass as they come.

It’s Jamie’s turn to tend to Claire’s wounds this time. He is being tender with her & it’s just heartbreaking to watch. He asks her if she is a witch, he needs to know. Geilwitch referred to that mark on her arm as one of the devils and he has seen the same on Claire.  It didn’t seem as it would change how he felt about her but for their safety, he needed an answer. BOY did he get those answers! All of them. She told him everything. That she was from the future, how she got there, when she tried to get back & all about the things she knew. She thought for sure he would think she was a loon – but he believed her. He loved her and trusted her. If anything he was angry with himself for beating her when she tried to get back & that moment was a touching one. Touch me. Go ahead. I dare ya…

You could even see in his eyes when he made a plan, while holding her… Then saying it would have been easier if she had only been a witch. Which.Was.An.Epic.Line. Delivery.  Just Saying. Really slow apparently. So you know how serious I am.

Then he wouldn’t have to do – what he was going to.

Then the man does it again.  I mean this girl is getting SPOILED. He finds the best ways to wake her up, like EVER!He has become the world’s best alarm clock.

I have to find these setting on my phone.

#JAMMFdigital #JAMMForal – Dammit! All I have is vibrate. Not that that sucks in the all together. Oh well. Time to train the hubs. Shouldn’t be a problem. *snort*

Now…back to the sex scene that people said was dumped in for the sake of a sex scene. First if that was the case. We would have actually seen some full on SEX. We didn’t. We did however see a woman get gratified in a very sensual and intimate way. Jamie wanted to watch her. He wanted to remember her face, memorize how she looked while he loved her & how she felt as he held her in the palm of his hand. Now…for those who think he didn’t get any satisfaction from that? Ummmm…plenty of men get a great deal of satisfaction from watching the women they love have an orgasm especially when THEY are the reason they are experiencing it.  *GASP* Don’t think he didn’t get anything out of the deal.

OH…and remember when Claire said “we rode hard for several days”. Yeah…he might be a little sore from that experience.

Plus as one of the AB-Ootlander hubby’s (@tlmfarmgirl’s man) realized while watching the show w his teenage sons. This became a teachable moment. 3rd Base – And that is how it’s done!

The next day, he asks her if she is ready to go home…YES…she says but she thinks he is talking about Lallybroch NOT the stones.  It’s like he tricked her. She looks gobsmacked when she sees them. He looks gut wrenched. I admire the ability of ALL the actors on this show. Whether it be their eyes, their chins, their cheek bones, their lips or brows. They use their faces with such a great deal grace to act. It’s remarkable.

I, for one, love the way they played this. Jamie believed her heart & soul. No slapping the stones, ramming into them, no wanting her to go near them while he was there. Telling her to go & saying goodbye. Telling her there was nothing there for her save danger. In the book, it was needed, in the TV show. We need his undying belief. IN THE NOW.

But nothing being here for her…AHEM…THAT’S where you are WRONG buddy…World’s BEST ALARM CLOCK EVER! That’s SO something.

I have read the book obsessively and AGAIN I was yelling at my TV.  I KNOW what happens, still,  YELLING at my TV.  I am pretty sure I am going to need some pretty extensive therapy by time we go into the season finale. Who the hell at Sony Canada do I send this bill to? Buddy? You?

Claire just sits in the circle of stones. No voice over. Just her and those big ole stones. We get a shot of Claire. Tears. Maybe sobs. Hers…mine….ours. UGH. Then she stands. A quick pan to the stones & the horrid noise that goes with them. BLACKNESS!

Oh…No…They didn’t. PHEW!

I spy a campfire. I spy a worn face with tear tracks on it…awwwwwwwwwwwww!

ON YOUR FEET SOLDIER! Throw back to episode 1. Can you all crush my heart anymore? Oh wait. Yeah. You can. Take me home to Lallybroch – causes another tear to follow the track the other one left on Jamie’s cheek and he makes the sad but happy cry face.

DONE! Stick a fricken FORK IN ME! I. AM. DONE!

Until next time anyway.

Don’t forget we live tweet with Showcase – the Canadian Network! Sunday nights. 8 pm MST #OutlanderCAN

SL -The ABOotiest of the ABOotlanders

* We also have all of the previous first season reboots as well as some special addition fun stuff. Check it out for some giggles.